EVERYTIME I TRIED.

Failing is a common word to all of us, it made me take a time with myself to sit back and think of all the times I encountered failure and why it is haunting me. Every time I tried I tripped else I would be somewhere better than sitting on a spongy carpet writing of every time I failed. Afraid of trying despite the risks I took. The blame I give to myself vs the applause that would come my way if the risks bore fruits. Born in a stable family, I learnt about giving, being nice to people, caring and all those qualities that I grew up with, each day watching a quality fade because of what the world had taught me. 

We all tried and few made it! But how about me who makes it but not to the ultimate end. No matter how hard you give it your all, failure always have legal ways to bring you down. Just a day ago, after almost a month without trading due losses of more than $200 in two days, I absorb myself and go into other trades and make a total of $500 despite the many withdrawals of roughly  $100 in a day. Yet failure wont leave my trails, I go on with my trades all night, watching all my cash go down and the last coin dropping at around 4:40am. This was my first KSH 54,000/-. I never touched but saw it in figures on my laptop! No one knows how deep someone is fighting battles that bring him down always. As much as I try, hustle and get the trading cash, spend nights trying to bring new trading skills and making money just to loose them in minutes is unbearable! No will recognize your efforts after you fail. So keep on trying. Failure is the road to success.

Back to qualities that make you. Most of our failures are related, someone let you down, you tried and failed automatically, you never gave it your all and so much more. I have regretted most of the things that I have done for my friends in a way to support them or grow together in all aspects of life. You start learning that its all about you, but as I learn I am still failing and I do not know what to learn no more! Tats when you stop being a nice person, you realize nothing is taking you anywhere and it all depends on what you have at hand. The decisions you will make either right or wrong are just ok with you. You are trying
to save something that went wrong. Some will make it through well and pass the risks they take and others will FAIL just to create bigger problems in their life! 

I have failed many times in my life, being young most of the things that happen in your life surround you and your parents and anyone else whos close to you. Most of the times I feel guilt, have failed my parents. In as much as you want to bring yourself up time is running and maybe you getting more and more troubled and everyone thinks you are a douchebag. That's how the world is. As much as you fail keep trying till I don't know when because I haven't seen the light yet. My tunnel is so dark and every time I think I'm making it out I realize that the light I saw was to make my heart beat faster and my smile appear for a short while. 

Failure is a demon! Every time you failed you lost. The devil only kills steals and destroy. Start with stealing, failure steals the determination, the urge and steals your ego. More failure will destroy you, your body functions and your body, will destroy your plans and your future later. More failure will kill your dreams and also will kill you at times. Most people who took their lives had no confidence let in themselves. 

We should learn to say NO to failure, most of us are captives, we try but cant move. Speak to your struggles and give them no authority over you. Accept yourself once again and give it a try till you make it! Failure will drain you!

TEARLESS HEARTBREAK

 It's a game I'm getting used to, listening to the Nairobi song by Nviiri ft Bensoul and hearing every line making sense is getting fun. Living in a cold world, a fragile heart is cowardice or boring or maybe a lost soul trying find someone who's busy trying pleasing anyone. We fall in love with the wrong people at the right time and it haunts us for a long time or shapes our next relationship or our whole life. I've watched people grow from angels to dreaded suckers of happiness and love. Not something they choose. All was love but revolution had to change how they viewed giving your all in the name of love. They are trying really hard to run away from! But that's what they are, despite the fact that we all need love, we don't need heartbreaks. But at least you shaped us and it's never love anymore, keep me till whenever or be smart with me before another one is. It sucks how we put too much pressure on our loved ones in the name of attention and love.

 Most of us have fallen in the hands of rejection and  depression and eventually you are perfectly designed to cope negatively about anyone or anything that love brings. This is done unwillingly in a willingly manner by your partner. It's called character development, that's the streets language.  

We lost love and no one is ready to give, everyone tried and it failed the first, maybe the second time too and we can't give our all anymore till whenever too. Nowadays you can't be certain of who is next to your lover, and maybe this time you won't ask her just to keep things at ease cause it's never love anymore. 

We lost the pride our parents had about their spouses. We lost love too,we lost happiness and everything the world provided. Curiosity killed everything you cry for. We're are all dating someone we took from someone, our lovers came in our lives and now have to fight the hoes they meet or they get comfortable. We can't find love until we're ready to get it.

I held her on my arms, every stare giving me a reason to appreciate her being in my life. I watched her breathe in and out, the already asleep beauty. She shinned all through from the bed to my heart, each minute feeding my ego of the blessings I have in my hands. She slept comfortably, next to her lover. Gripping hard against me and me clinging by her and covering her with all necessary part of my skin gave her confidence and ease in where she was. I couldn't resist looking at her. Her tender smooth skin with a glowing almost light skin tone, colored with smiley eyebrows facing downwards and perfectly edged and placed on top of her eyes. They were closed, already forgetting all the torments, being taken advantage of and sorrows that time brought. But life is a story and I happened to be in her book or her in mine. Her pinky lips made me almost bite and have the most of them. But as I drowned deep into the sleep, fears and insecurities kept haunting and draining me off. I wish I could be proud of who was next to me. The trust we never gave us was costing us. I wasn't her all and we knew it.

Say I want happiness but seems like I'm scared of that. She say she in love with me but I ain't really hearing that.

 At least love yours.🌹

Lame

We will play this game
I'll always be the master
I won't play it lame
It's hard but don't wonder
We're prone to shame
But we will always be on top of the ladder
Babe its you I want to tame
Let me find you a little faster
It's a jig-saw game
I'll get you for the victory to matter

Angel

I'm afraid, I dunno the steps I take. I walked out in the rain to get my jumper. I was fast enough to get it and have it on my skin. But the rain is too heavy and my jumper is getting wet. I hope the rain will end and my jumper will dry. I can't see my way back home. I'm lost in the rain, I'm cold and weak. Soaked and freaked. It's getting floody, the earth is rocky. I can't no more, I hate the jumper, I'm cold and sick. As the rains get stronger, as my energy is drained I still weep in my heart. Who's outside there? Where is the Messiah?

Why the rains? Why the storms? Why today? Why did you let me get out of the house? Why is it raining? Why is my jumper wet? I thought it's there to keep me warm. I need an umbrella, I need to get home, I'm lost and confused, I dunno the right side to face. I'm afraid of the next step I'm taking. I need an umbrella. I threw my jumper on the ground and watched it float on the already flooded ground. I took a step and hurt my foot. I'm bleeding and watching the water turn red. I'm drowning and I need a hand.

I saw a log coming my way on a distance, I couldn't wait for any other sign. The torment is tough and hard for me. I tried to get closer to it, each step I took was a lament. Each time I stepped on the ground, it had a way to tell me what I stepped on. Oh, that's a sharp edge, that's a glass, that's a k apple thorn. I made it to the log and eased myself on it.

Just as love and life is sweet, I also forgot my fears. Just as love is caring, I lost my pain. Just as the log was my world I healed my wounds between the broken hopes and the sealed expectations, my heart beat again.

So tell me your story, I envy yours. What is love? Can I get love? How long will it take. Will I lose my log cause I'll throw away my plot. I want to make promises. I want to have another version of me. I want to get toxic with her. I want her to watch me try get everything right. Is being the shoulder she can lean on a problem? I want to be her favourite and her hero. Is that what is called love? I want to feel the bond. Can I tell her anything and not look stupid. I want her to miss me. I wanna hear my phone ring and say it might be her. Is that what we call love? Cause I wanna be in love forever.

Tell me I belong to the streets. Cause I'm sick and tired. I dunno when she wanna be by my side. You don't know their real intentions with you. Tell me I need more time with the folks, tell me I need more hype and a number of girls in my dm. But teach me more about regrets and I'll tell you where this will take me. Teach me more about God tell me if he loves me. Teach me about prayers and you're in my bucket list. Teach me about goals and I'll tell you my dreams. Teach me love I'll show you loyalty. Teach me the hard way and I'll always find reasons to lose.
Hold my hand cause all we want was a happy and good life in the end.

confusion

We have all tried to love and at a point the worse happened. Break ups are more common now than ever. The current generation acting gangster and emotionless and no one is ready to accept the wrong. No one is ready for the responsibility of dating. We are simply youngsters trying the bigger man stuff. We definitely likely to fail till our minds mature up to the tune of love and relationship. Many young people are after sex and covering there acts in the name of relationship. At the age of 17-25yrs is a great transformation in everyone’s life. The fear of academic performance, drugs, your partner, cash in your pocket and one more depression. This is the highest percentage, the other have no where to pick up from, no idea of there future nor fear of what will happen tomorrow, most are street kids and orphans in the society. There is the other group, the rich, despite their performance there is something solid their mum or dad has for them when they grow up. All this factors determine how one behaves and how he or she treats the partner.  Basically how one was brought up and what he or she been exposed too determine.

Love is a strong mutual feeling you both have for each other of being associated and being the favorite story of the other. This comes with loyalty commitment and transparency. Teens are not ready for this as it requires mind and emotions rather than peer pressure, lust, love of money  and popularity.  What tells you who you love and who you should date? I guess time plays the role, eventually time tells you who you can`t avoid, who you can count on and who is worth the trust. We fall in love with what we are told on texts, what we offered by our partners. Some have a different view of love. Being offered cash incase. This is because that`s what been inadequate in your life, but you need something more than that. It`s childish how we are lured and our emotions bought with money and other little stuff just like little kids being lured with a sweet. All that makes sense right now won`t make sense when you grow up. My dad tells me “every persons who asks you for something has his own reasons and a benefit after, what will you gain yourself?” love is more than money, it`s a team of two. Someone you can cling on and build an empire with. It`s a future, don`t take it that light.

Love is commitment and sacrifice, it sounds tiresome but is one of the best thing. You have ever Imagined of having a friend you could tell all your fears and feel more comfortable and secure? Someone you would call right now asking for his help and will fight with you till the end without any favor in return? We just feel proud helping who we love, full of energy and determination. Love is all about passion for your partner. Having a strong emotion that you can barely control or hide. The attachment and trust you build with each other without forcing or requesting, it`s simply mutual. With love it`s easy to forgive and easy to correct.  Do you do the same to the one you love? Do you even love the one you love.

My biggest fear is falling in love and in my bucket list one of my desires is falling in love. But the fear is falling in love with the wrong person. We all have been hurt and that`s the worst thing bout love. Heartbreaks are common in my country such that anyone walking in town with his or her partner might have “mtaachana tu” (you`ll break-up) being shouted on them. I don`t know where we ending but we need a different turn. Dating has been a complete joke and almost everybody out there is ready to date for fun, then they will date the serious ones. Our actions are costing other souls while we are making jokes of them and how we never give a damn. Other are after how many women they sleep with. Ladies are after how many men she knows or how superior are your men. We loosing it and this will be a problem to us soon. All gets faded when you realize the person you lived for and always avoided to break her heart is the one who turned the tables against you. This is someone you gave your all, it`s like that`s the thank you she gave and walked away without acting like she care. After this everything looses it`s taste and nothing makes anymore. The stories you heard about break ups and thought they were myths are now on your side and you just adding more words to the stories. This is where you hate yourself and now depression, drug abuse, sexual abuse, suicide and such incidences happen because of not accepting yourself because of someone playing with your feelings.

Most of us fall in love with a friend we just met just because of their looks or how he or she behaved when you meet, but it comes a time when someone is tired 0f playing fake and you have to learn the new partner you had hurriedly  given your trust so soon and invested your expectations in him or her. This damages your thought and emotion, some quit love others grow to protect their emotions too an overrated standard cause of the fear that lives in them.

Love is a strong feeling and can cause a lot in a person and the whole generation at large. We should all grow up and try other things to play with rather than other people`s emotions. We should trust our intuitions and protect what we can. The pain caused isn’t overrated and the damage is never talked about. Just be strong a little bit and take the wheel, it`s your life and everything has it`s time and signals. Read the signals, take your time and trust your inner you will have less to regret. Rushing to love just because your friends are dating is dangerous. We all have different stories and every chapter has a different topic, be young and enjoy life, time has everything planned for you.

SHE GOT ME HIGH

My post for her. Hope I have enough words she`d need. A pen and a pencil on a sad moody night. As I watch the stars twinkle, the distance will lie to you bout their size. The wind is so cold but gentle. I’m afraid I`ll get cold and wither. What if I had her by my side? With mangoes on our bowl? I`d cover her with my cloth and get warm through the touch. Eat some mangoes baby girl, you got a huge surprise on your way. What if I took you on the space? Would you get lost in my arms? Let`s watch the sky, the shooting star might pass by and we`ll make a wish. What if we made the same wish? What do you think the wish would be? Let me hold your hand beautiful, I`m sure It`s a privilege I have your time. Hold the bowl with your left hand and follow my steps to the rooftop. You ok if you sit on the floor? It`s clean I mind your linen. Sit between my legs and lie on me, you`ll be comfortable.

Would you mind a visit to the space? Take this bud we can roll a joint. We all by ourselves here. The world is asleep, we will be back by morning. Let me teach you little princess, I have a lot to tell you when we high. Take this paper and put some bud in it, roll it softly it will work out itself. BINGO!! Look you made it. Gimme a kiss for the victory your teacher brought tonight. Put it in your mouth I’ll light it for you. Hold me Close and tell me your love life. Tell me why you can`t have me by your side and why you said you trust me. What made you start smoking and why you like it. Play some soft music and let me fall in love with your playlist. Look me straight in my eyes and tell me what`s in my thought. Hug me every time you get lost in the stare, and a kiss every time you blink. I just rolled my blunt and I think I’m soaring higher. Hold my hand I’m floating. I can`t leave you all alone. The vultures will fool and prey on you. Not all that glitters is gold, you must learn to survive on the atmosphere. Walk with me we on the same agenda. I’m high babe and I love you.

Look at your beautiful face, how you smile when I tell you this, I’m just confused what I should do next. Will you slap me if I kiss you? Will you hold me back if I held you? We just high and young. Hope there is nothing to regret in future. Take a few mangoes, I wanna see you get crazy. Don’t laugh when I do crazy things, we just ain`t sober. Why did I choose you? Why do I need your company every time? Why are we free yet strangers? I just know your trust and your smile. Look, the shooting star, make a wish. Don’t think I didn’t realize you held me tight after your wish. I love you too is my answer to your questions. Lets get lost in the moment, get super high with me on the rooftop. Ill carry you to the bed incase you break down. Are you free if I get the tight clothes off you before you sleep? Will you quarrel me in the morning if you found out I eased your bra off? I will hold you through the night. You don’t know how much I need to get attached to you beyond the skin. She is so high and happy. Let me watch her sleeping face till I fade off for the sleep.

Fake treasure

Hey, probably I got the energy to. Not all that glitters is gold and my light never shines bright. We all have a past, we all have a dark side, but how dark is mine? I wish we that close, I wish we shared this together. I always wanted to tell you this when we both of us. 2am at the rooftop. Letting me see your demons and you mine. But why I'm I telling you know? Cause I won't get the chance? Cause the distance will never bring us together? Or maybe it's anger and I dunno how to control this. Will you take your time to understand me after this, or I'm on my regular schedule to force love that I won't get. Maybe it's social media influence and I don't take time to understand both sides.
Anyway, I've not been so good, we all struggle to be the cream. At some point my present and my future doesn't connect. I can't see a better man tomorrow but that's what I'm working for. At least I feel a winner when I look at the mirror but my present challenges bring me down and drain me.
Listen, you've been my dream but honestly it's still vivid. Maybe the reason is I dunno your side.
How bout I tell you my side. My flaws maybe, I will take dope when I wanna get hyped with my friends, when I'm sad and I need my own space. Can that cease? Can I call you when I wanna feel better? Can I tell you bout my day and not sound desperate? Are you ready to tell me yours or it's a one sided vision? Do I really count as you said, or I'm a lost soul trynna seek your attention.

This are the fake treasures we keep to ourselves dearly. Always trust your intuition and never go above what people tell you,they all have their beneficial reasons. You have a goal not to please people

Unlock your within

We all have a sad story and a happy ending. It's only after we realize ourselves and stop undermining us. The little mistakes, tripping and the bad lucks bring us down. You'll start judging yourself of how you're a failure cause of the past events. We don't concentrate on our abilities and exploring new fields. It's time you realize your power. Your mindset determines who you are. We've had friends who acted as strangers when you started counting on them. There are friends you left also cause you thought they weren't worth you. It's funny we throw away the best and run for what you see on the outer; looks, money, bars, popularity, power!
People leave, people crawl, people back stub, people forget. And at some point the joke will be on your side, your new funny friend will be making your “clique” to laugh. Be yourself and trust in yourself. Despite the challenges the weak have risen cause they put themselves first.What you work for will always work out if you are a hundred in what you want. It's time you realize yourself and put yourself first. Let all other things flow. Live your life and get happy with your friends, trust zero and help where you can.
Think of how great you can become. Switch on that positive energy in your brain and look forward to it. What you set yourself is what you'll be. The fall will be a little trip and you have to dust off and keep running. The brain is the greatest shield you've got. Use it to explore your strengths.

A hand?

I'm not OK, only the pen and a paper knows the secrets it carries. But they can't bring a solution, it's only a record of my sad life. I dunno when and how to trust. You taught me not everyone will cling forever and you also human. To what extent should you know me so that I'll keep you. How dark should my past be so that you won't get lost in it? I'm afraid you'll leave when I let you read me. I'm afraid I'm not perfect for you but you the pattern I needed to complete my puzzle. If you leaving please spoil all the game so that I won't have the energy to start the puzzle all again. If you staying watch my pace then I'll let you know how far we from, if we manage an empire. You the love of my life but I feel like I lost a life. Everytime you talk of what you want it's opposite of what I got. I'm trynna look perfect but I  feel the torment through out.
I'm lost in my own game plan, cause I dunno how much you can hold. I'm afraid your heart is too fragile to handle the real me. Everytime I'm me around someone I'll watch them fade, and this time it's not you cause I need you forever. My fears and my love for you keep fighting in my brain. The pressure I handle is too much.
I do love you my love. You've been a blessing in my life.  I'm a little bit uncomfortable to tell you the truth, but to be honest, with you I got nothing to loose. I'm lost in questions I can't answer.

Prophecy?

Ever wondered how tomorrow will be?  I mean with this hyped immoral time, every one want to be the best. It'll cost everything to prove how good he or she is gangster, don't care maybe. From trust, love, morals, thoughts, friends, enemies, everything is opposite of what it meant. What will we teach our children??  What's wrong dad? What shouldn't I do to be successful like you? Our biggest enemies are who keep a close look at your life, "(stalkers) that's how we tagged them. I'm too concerned bout you, you never give me space ace I'm always trynna squeeze in and I can't help it. I'm ready to help you at anytime but I'm afraid you might boss up and use my soft spot. The rich are our friends, and we boast how we connected to so and so. Friendship is fake, you my friend when you need something from me. You my friend cause you think I'm smart, handsome and well living. My life ain't at the first lane, and once I'll introduce you to my friends, they better than me maybe. You'll be strong enough to hurl insults. We full of greed and lust. I dunno who to trust! I'm giving up on every single person I trusted after they played checkmate with me cause they had the access.
How will tomorrow be? We the spoilt generation, trynna get attached to every opposite gender we meet. How will I greet my female friends we had intimate with when we meet at the mall??  Keep low-key in front of there husbands and kids. How many will keep low-key with my wife and play dumb of me?
Is it late or we can change. Maybe I'm not loud enough and we just drowning. Our kids won't have prayerful parents, maybe they won't have parents even. We all busy chasing the cheque and forgetting bout humanity.

Doll♥️

Hi , the little thing I'd like to tell but I'm a afraid I dunno how to. Would you be surprised when I told you what I felt bout you? Would you feel like I'm overrating you to catch your eye? How bout a compliment, you being the most beautiful my eye came across?? But we often met through my phone, on chats or when I miss you and I have to peep at your pics. And the frequencies are high, it feels close to you(sad). Going though our past chats, the texts and songs you send me, "scared to be lonely" being the loudest, just to try read your mind and understand you more. I just wanna be by your side. I wanna understand you crystal clear.
I hope one day we will be close, one day I'll get the courage and trust to let you know bout me well. I wanna be your bestfriend too. But my fears too, will I still lean by you when you get to know me. Will you still stress to see I'm perfect? Do you believe in building up? Or are you afraid I'll be a shame to you when we'll be seen together?
I mean, you all I've been waiting for, you've taught me a  lot. I hope you ain't a season and soon I'll be in my normal life. You've been worth the wait and we shouldn't be getting in another tunnel cause you're my light.  Let's learn to live by us, teach me your life and we can be the best for us. I want you to be the reason for my struggle and let's cherish all success that comes our way. Lemme support you when you trip.
I hope one day I'll hug you tight and whisper 'I love you', and you'll get to know how deep I mean it.